I have looked back through my blog posts and it is clear that there is a theme of being misunderstood. It is easy to get lost in the different clarifications and definitions of what society labels you as. But am I really that? I devoted a whole website to explaining the definitions that society has placed upon me and I don’t feel like I’m “that” at all. Never have. I have felt pointed at given a new name and then just shunned. A lot of people are in these shoes. Blaahhh blaahhh blaaa you heard it all before…
So getting back to the question:
Who am I?
I was the person who thanks the nurse for holding me down in an arm bar and by not acknowledging my pleas of being hurt… cranks down on my arm even more till he hears my shoulder pop. Sitting next to him the next day – I say “Yeah thanks for doing that.” – actually sincerely to him. That did not help me. What was I thinking? I have permanent damage in my upper body because of that incident.
I talk about these things like they define me. They don’t. I choose to share them here in hope that others might benefit. Maybe even talk to someone who really needs a hug and some much needed rest, instead of be hauled away by the police.
Pharmaceuticals aged me at least 30 years.
But pharmaceuticals and what happened “behind closed doors” is not who I am…
I have shown you a sliver of some traumatic things that happened to me.
Who am I this present day? I am actually doing really well. Society has told me that I am worthless and that I should be on disability. BUT… I am a proud owner of 2 companies. With the help of my business partner we build houses and even publish books! I love my jobs. I live on a farm and go on walks around the property with my little kitten. Sometimes when I look at the sky, time freezes and it feels like heaven.
I started reading this book today and one of the first things it mentions is being in the present. Boy what a joy it is when you are fully present. I usually am in the moment. Some days moments can be overwhelming. Out in public repetitive noise or random music can be too much for me. That is when I choose to dive deeper into myself or just put on headphones to hear something that brings pleasure instead of annoyance. Not sure if others even notice some of the things that I just can’t tolerate. It just feels like someone is taking a huge cheese grater to my physiology…
Then when I go home my little kitten runs outside and says MOM come outside let’s go for a walk! I have only known this little being for about a year and a half but talk about bringing you right into the present.
So am I what happened to me? Am I worth my business’s or job/assets? Nope. Anything can happen with in a flash – it’s all gone. That has happened to me before and at first I thought I was ruined. Memories can hurt but they don’t have to hold you down. Life is like monopoly you have to play the game sometimes. But don’t ever play against my brother Matt because he will kill you with all those hotels… every time.
So you still haven’t figured out Who I am? Maybe I will have to write an even better blog next time. I think that it is good for me to write and thank you for taking the time to check it out. Hope you enjoyed the day as much as I have. If not adopt an animal like my little kitten Key. ❤️