I look at my life and smile. Through my eyes I have seen so much beauty that I have often wished somehow that I could of captured all that I saw because no one would possibly believe it. Words can not express… and I have found it hard to continue writing this blog. I have been very busy but that does not account for the fact that I have sat down a dozen or more times and started writing and then felt like – No I should hide… no one wants to hear this stuff anyway.
I have been shunned and told that I should feel ashamed. I am broken, there is something wrong with me. I should be on disability for the rest of my life because there is no way I can take care of myself in the real world. I asked my doctor why when I walked down hallways I had to use the wall as my crutch, my hair was falling out in clumps, and my hands shook so much it was hard to eat. He told me that I was fine and that this was normal… WHAT? I had been put on so many drugs that with in two months I gained almost sixty pounds!
In and out of the hospital I went. Losing my fiancee, friends, and family all at the same time. When I was younger I was treated like an equal. And then all my nightmares came true. Everything that I knew would NEVER happen to me came and hit me right in the face. The good news – I chose not to die, I wanted people to see. In my twenty-one years of experience I saw a world that was so beautiful that even though I would probably be tortured in it I would rather stay and share even with just one person I knew – that it doesn’t have to be through me talking or standing up in a big crowd. I know that by my existence I am helping the world just by the energy/love and happiness I create. I could go live off in the middle of nowhere… in a cave, and my thoughts and feelings would benefit this reality.
Through everything, I have still captured the grace and beauty of others. My experiences that many people would never want to have, I have helped a lot of beautiful people along the way… one of them being myself. I have died, been through stigmata, tied down, pried open, trapped in a box, strapped down, dislocated my shoulders just to sit up, had my shoulder broken by a nurse, lied to, been electrocuted, had uncontrollable seizures, multiple heart attacks, injected with drugs I was illergic to and forced to drink water to try to “dilute the reaction”, I have done everything I possibly could to try not to combust, and at one point even avoided having a brain aneurysm. Plus many other horrors of hidden hospital agendas.
Until we stop locking people up and saying that there is something wrong with THEM they are not “normal” they are nothing like me… Don’t you see… This is where the problem is. If I was in a society that listened to me instead of thrown me in a hole I wouldn’t of had to go through YEAR’S of my life…. YEAR’S!!! Being tortured. As I see it I am a sensitive being, more sensitive than most. I chose a path different from many others. I now live in my own small off – grid cabin. I build homes for a living and I am the CEO of my company that I helped to start with a partner. I have always loved life and even when I went through really rough times I stayed true to my heart.
Yes in times I will be extremely sensitive and it is wonderful that I now have my own space and a great support system. Not everyone is aware when they need to take extra time for themselves. I am so grateful that I have cultivated a life where I can focus on not only the needs to be well but working on my growth as a human being. I am not going to stay in a hole but just think about others who have been beat down by the system so much that a hole is all they got. There is hope through awareness.