All the blogs I have written you can find here. More to come…
My Latest Posts
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- To have or have not
I wanted to get married and have children in a home that was inviting with love and puppy dogs. I know now marriage was not my path, children were not either. But I was given a glimpse of the most beautiful being that has ever crossed my path. I am excited to tell you about someone who is very special to me that I was honored to meet in one my dreams
Her name is Katerehanna.
The picture above is the closest image I have found that resembles her. In my dream, I got to see a six year old girl that I knew instantaneously was my daughter. One of the greatest blessings of my life and if you ever had the privilege of this feeling – what a blessing it is! She just wanted to tell me that she was there on the other side but she was not going to come to earth and I was happy about that fact. She was right for I do not want to bring children to this earth at this time.
If I did bring a child to this world I would want to go off in the woods and raise her by myself or with close loved ones/her father. My parenting styles would be very different then standard norms and it is not a path that I would take now anyway. Am I less because I haven’t brought Katerehanna here. No. I am more because I have been in her presence one time and could never forget the overflowing love and appreciation that flowed through my heart.
I have a lot of love and appreciation of my experiences day in and day out on this earthly plane but I know that Katerehanna is always with me even though I can not hug her I don’t need to.
- The Creative Spark!
I have never seen an artist quite like Mario Nevado (artwork above). Every single painting or picture he produces is different. Lots of emotion, like pouring his soul out for everyone to see. Isn’t that what all artists strive to do – I love seeing all art. It’s like when I take a walk in the woods, the peace and joy/tranquility that it brings me I am sure a lot has to do with the negative ions from nature that are actually healing my body. There is artwork all around it is only available to you if you choose to perceive it that way. I feel that looking or experiencing a piece of artwork can actually have the same peaceful/tranquil effects on my health, almost as good as petting a puppy or seeing a new baby lamb born so tiny that you can’t even comprehend how that the little guy is real because you didn’t think they could be that small…
Shh…. Don’t tell anyone but I guess the cat is will be out of the bag soon. I am making a game for my nephews. So don’t tell them especially. 😉 It started with looking for inspirational pictures online. I figured out my theme and the majority of what I wanted to include. Now I just have to figure out what the cards will say and draw out the game board. It should be a pretty fun game – I want to play it!
<—– Dragons are magical and something good will be written in the white space. I am excited!
A few things that have changed my world with in the past few years. I have discovered how the advancement in technology makes it so easy to print and make things that you never could. There are print on demand shops like Red Bubble, Printify, and indi publishing companies… a million other websites so it is now easier then ever before to create art and share it with the world. My good friend suggested I try a new Artificial Intelligence program called Wonder. You give prompts to the computer program and even pictures if you want to and with in seconds you can make out of this world artwork! Here are some of my recent creations. This AI program will definitely help me make this game and others for my nieces and nephews. I even want to make a coloring book.
Check out some of my recent AI powered creations below…
Where Mice Meet the Sea is Published!
I even got a chance to help publish a book. I hope one of many to come. It was such a fun process and it is funny because I have tried to author and produce my own book but there is so much to do to be able to produce it how you envision it.
Victor Orne is the author I had the privilege to work with and he envisioned his book a certain way and I am happy that he waited till it was the right time to publish. Independent publishing has revolutionized the book world! Where Mice Meet the Sea I can proudly say is a beautiful book with many layers for all ages. Check out our new website: GoKerPlunk.com
Last but not least… I Love sending Snail Mail!
I write to my nieces and nephews, friends, family, even people I have never met face to face. I make letters, journals, and I am up to 146 postcards in my 90 days of postcard sending event. Of course I did not actually complete my goal of sending postcards every day for the 90 straight days but it is fun finding new postcards and making my own. If you want a pen pal or have any suggestions in the adventures of writing or creating I would love to hear about it and write you back. Hope to hear from you. Now go out and do something you love and be creative about it. ❤ 😀
Please email me back on this blog here or directly at: email@example.com
- Who Art thou… Part II
When I was little I moved to a different school district. I joined a club that focused on creating art in different ways. If you felt frustrated one thing they said to do is take crayons and scribble as hard as you could and at the end you would have a really bright picture heavily waxed up with crayon. You could leave it like the burst it was or scratch some off to make a lighter picture underneath.
This group was lead by a really sweet teacher her first name just happened to be Lynn. Having time to interact with other students in a different way helped to ease into this new school/new home. Screaming into pillows and ripping up paper was encouraged. I never did much of that but this made me realize that material possessions were not as important as how a process of expression could help you through something. I could scribble my crayons down into nothing and not only feel better but I would go on to create something different. I liked being different.
I also was introduced to one of the greatest programs a child could ever encounter. Odyssey of the Mind changed my life… their main philosophy was to – Think out of the box. They had games and activities to help you brainstorm and problem solve. It put you in the divers set. My creativity exploded. I no longer followed the herd anymore.
It is funny how a couple things can happen in a child’s life to totally help them bloom.
In high school I switched schools/homes once again. I went from a high school where there were about 500 students in my class to a school that had only 72 students in my class. I wanted to try out for softball in my old school – there was a high chance that I would not make the team. In the new smaller school, they were begging students to play sports. I was captain of the track team, and I loved every second of it. Another thing a smaller school offered was a stained glass and photography course. It was so much fun going into a red lit room and seeing the pictures you took appear on paper. I find myself cheating nowadays by taking video and then grabbing a nice still shot from that.
Here is a real picture I took yesterday. I like when they Humm…
Right out of high school I decided to take some time off and travel. I almost created my own stained glass studio. Listening to my heart I followed my passion of physical education to the college level. I wanted to devote my time to helping middle school students become just as excited about P.E. My motto was Motivational Determination – Yes, I had a whole philosophy written out. It was very positive and encouraging.
I studied the human body and was fascinated by every aspect. I got an Associate degree in Physical Education and went on to study Ayurvedic health. I wanted to become many things a Naturopathic doctor was high on that list. The best thing that I learned in all my health education was everything in moderation.
Halfway through my pre-med studies a degree in sustainability halted everything. A new beautiful path of alternative energies i.e.. solar panels, wind, biodiesel, home design, the million different uses for hemp to name a few. I dove in with a big grin on my face. During one of those courses, we took a trip to Boulder Colorado and while at a very positive event we were asked to write down where we would want to be in 5 years. I didn’t know how I was going to get there but I wrote down that I wanted to live in a community where I was building homes and trying to use as many sustainable paths as I possibly could…
I graduated with almost a minor in Sustainability I needed I believe one more class. I got a Bachelor’s degree in Physiology and Health and moved to Vermont where I thought I would be needed most. A very positive program. I tend to go where I smile most. I floated around for a bit and 5 years later I ran into the teacher that took me on the beautiful Boulder trip. It was great to see him and as I remembered the course I actually went home and found the journal where I wrote down my dreams… It had been 5 years and now I literally was living every word that I had written down. I was in shock.
To sum things up – every physiology is different. I am different, but we all are. When you put your mind to it you can achieve anything you want to. Be careful what you think because the universe doesn’t pick for you, you actually create reality. When you are aware and conscious of this what a game changer. I have made many vision boards and every single vision board has come true. If I wanted a job, I would go out and get it. It is not that I really wanted it – I already saw that it was where I was going to be. I have had a blessed life in many ways.
Even if one door closes or I am in a bad place I always get to where I need to be.
- How do you deal with Scars?
I have tried to block memories of my really good friend Ajh. Every time someone walks by looking really nice, with a hat on I look twice because that was Ajh. Style was not the only thing that brings Ajh back to me. Pain does. How much she must of hurt. How much I hurt. How much her family hurts. The mind can’t comprehend the amount of pain that has been felt by all.
Ajh gave me many things not only awesome clothes, good company, and the fondness for fairies and mermen. She gave me this beautiful book. I was saving it for only special things.
Little did I know how much this book would help me for only a couple of pages got to be importantly special. The rest of the book I used to cope with being in the hospital. Having a place to put down thoughts in a hospital is rare because they not only don’t give you shoes (sometimes) sometimes you can’t have a pen.
Being able to organize thoughts on paper has hurt me many times. Sometimes it’s to get from A to B. Other times so much realness comes out scars rip.
This special book I have thought of getting rid of it. Burning it. I put it away. That wound never healed, it is still an open wound.
In the past 30 years or so, I have written so many books. Most of them have not made it. Whether I ripped them up, threw them out in the rain, burned them or my landlord or friends threw them “out” for me. Here are some that made it.
I have stuffed my tears, my thoughts, and feelings for most of my life. Writing was the best thing for me. I find it funny that people think it is weird to talk to yourself but what are you doing when you are writing, thinking, feeling…? Don’t lie. Don’t hide. If you have to talk about something do so. If I write what I think down on a sheet of paper I can just go to bed and not think anymore.
I am going to try to think more about my friend Ajh. All the laughter and creativity. That book needs to be put to good use. To tell you the truth I stopped writing a while ago. But I just wrote this blog in a blank spot of the (interesting things only :)) book she gave me. I am glad I have this blog. I will try to focus more on regularly writing. You can hurt just don’t stuff it. It is time to talk and feel no matter how you do it – you should.
I’m interested to know how do you deal with Scars?
- Energetic Experiences
Unexplainable energetic transfers have occurred in my sensitive times. One night while I was at home I started to have the most beautiful feeling in my core (around my solar plexus/stomach) I was in the kitchen my family was talking in jumbled, garbled, gibberish. I ignored that and started to pay attention to what was happening within me. I hardly interacted with my family and I am not sure if I would of been able to anyway. This portal of energy that I was experiencing was so profound I just went into my room and lied on my back experiencing what I can only explain as the most beautiful energy you could possibly imagine. I compare this feeling to energy that would be used to create life – beyond love or ecstasy.
As I laid on my bed I started to notice little white gnats dancing in silly circles above my head underneath the chandelier on the ceiling. They must of been coming through the screens of my open windows somehow so I got up and closed both windows, turned the TV on and there was a special all about the band called The Greatful Dead. I watched and listened. The music only enhanced the feeling of awe this energy in my core was bringing to me. I felt connected to this plane of existence in a different way.
Now here is the part I don’t ever tell anyone. When I laid back down on my bed I started seeing even more little white gnats. I closed the windows so where are they all coming from? I stared at one while it came down close to my body gravitating towards my core. All of a sudden it was gone. Hmm didn’t think much of it while I focused on another gnat. This one flew close down to my stomach and when it was about three inches away it just vanished. Trick of the eye I thought. Then looking right above my stomach, one just all of a sudden appears! I stared in disbelief as I watched these little beings appear and disappear right in front of me.
So disclaimer: I was not on any hallucinogenic drugs or drinking alcohol.
I feel that I was given this amazing experience to show me that there is much more to this reality then what others try to limit me to. This felt like an energetic portal. And then all of a sudden I am actually seeing living beings appear and disappear like they are being transported through an energetic portal.
When Energy is not bliss…
The first night I laid in a foreign hospital bed I could feel the energy of the tortured souls that had lied there years before me. This energy felt vile and alive, like it was feeding off of my essence. It tried to violate every aspect of any peace with in me. It felt like a hundred hands grouping me and someone was moving my energy around controlling it with magnets and buzzers probing all over my body. I thought if I told anyone of how this truly feels no one would believe me.
This demonic rape of my soul went on for the majority of the night. I laid there frozen and felt like there was nothing I could do. After that night I never felt anything energetically as horrible as this experience again but it sure opened my eyes to different kinds of energy.
So yes I am sensitive. Mentors have told me to create a glass bubble around me so that you can block what energy you don’t want to partake in. But I found through my own experience that when I feel energy, I let the feeling come in, I observe it, if I don’t like it, I just let it keep on passing right through me and I don’t absorb it. I used to feel crappy energy and then store it like it was mine. Outside energy sometimes would destroy my balance for days.
When you are in a situation that doesn’t feel good
A good exercise for anyone.
- Observe – how does this feel? Do I want to partake?
- Awareness is Key! – you don’t have to get swept up into it like the tornado it is.
- Then let the energy fly right by you – I see you… Hi. Okay. Bye.
When you consciously decide to watch the energies you partake in it is such a game changer for keeping yourself healthy.
- Who am I?
I have looked back through my blog posts and it is clear that there is a theme of being misunderstood. It is easy to get lost in the different clarifications and definitions of what society labels you as. But am I really that? I devoted a whole website to explaining the definitions that society has placed upon me and I don’t feel like I’m “that” at all. Never have. I have felt pointed at given a new name and then just shunned. A lot of people are in these shoes. Blaahhh blaahhh blaaa you heard it all before…
So getting back to the question:
Who am I?
I was the person who thanks the nurse for holding me down in an arm bar and by not acknowledging my pleas of being hurt… cranks down on my arm even more till he hears my shoulder pop. Sitting next to him the next day – I say “Yeah thanks for doing that.” – actually sincerely to him. That did not help me. What was I thinking? I have permanent damage in my upper body because of that incident.
I talk about these things like they define me. They don’t. I choose to share them here in hope that others might benefit. Maybe even talk to someone who really needs a hug and some much needed rest, instead of be hauled away by the police.
Pharmaceuticals aged me at least 30 years.
But pharmaceuticals and what happened “behind closed doors” is not who I am…
I have shown you a sliver of some traumatic things that happened to me.
Who am I this present day? I am actually doing really well. Society has told me that I am worthless and that I should be on disability. BUT… I am a proud owner of 2 companies. With the help of my business partner we build houses and even publish books! I love my jobs. I live on a farm and go on walks around the property with my little kitten. Sometimes when I look at the sky, time freezes and it feels like heaven.
I started reading this book today and one of the first things it mentions is being in the present. Boy what a joy it is when you are fully present. I usually am in the moment. Some days moments can be overwhelming. Out in public repetitive noise or random music can be too much for me. That is when I choose to dive deeper into myself or just put on headphones to hear something that brings pleasure instead of annoyance. Not sure if others even notice some of the things that I just can’t tolerate. It just feels like someone is taking a huge cheese grater to my physiology…
Then when I go home my little kitten runs outside and says MOM come outside let’s go for a walk! I have only known this little being for about a year and a half but talk about bringing you right into the present.
So am I what happened to me? Am I worth my business’s or job/assets? Nope. Anything can happen with in a flash – it’s all gone. That has happened to me before and at first I thought I was ruined. Memories can hurt but they don’t have to hold you down. Life is like monopoly you have to play the game sometimes. But don’t ever play against my brother Matt because he will kill you with all those hotels… every time.
So you still haven’t figured out Who I am? Maybe I will have to write an even better blog next time. I think that it is good for me to write and thank you for taking the time to check it out. Hope you enjoyed the day as much as I have. If not adopt an animal like my little kitten Key. ❤️
- Being a functional sensitive person
I have met a lot of beautiful people and have witnessed too many of them suffer to the point where they would rather take their own life then continue to endure this reality. 💔
One thing that has happened to me a lot in my lifetime is when people see change or think you have changed they want to keep you. Sometimes (like the picture above) you graduate to a higher version of yourself. No matter what you say or do no one can see your path but you.
How do you function in a society that doesn’t like change? Anything that is out of their standards are looked down upon. One judgement of you, a lie, one moment, and all of a sudden you are shunned and are now leper to society.
The fact is society doesn’t want to talk about suicide, mental health or what goes on behind closed doors. What about friendship? Some of my closest friends chose to walk away with out even a conversation to try to understand me. No compassion from your closest friends – the ones you call sisters…
So if family and friends are not willing to even sit down and talk with you, what do you do? Unfortunately this is easily when people say why….? Why would I want to stay in this reality?
When I was seven years old, I was so upset with life I laid on my bedroom floor and scratched my leg until I bled. Afterwards looking at my self inflicted wound I realized that was not the way, and vowed to never hurt myself intentionally again. Little did I know at the time how important and beautiful that promise to myself was.
As I got older and my life was finally starting to shape into exactly everything I wanted… that’s when my world crumbled to the point where I was no longer recognizable to myself. At the lowest point of my life I was so toxed out from the “new meds” (that were supposed to help me) the toxicity sent me into shock and death came to me… and I said – No. I wanted to stay here to potentially show others what I have seen.
And even if people do not see, just being by here, living, will help this world because if everything is energy the more love and happiness I create in my life will radiate out into the world 🥰 🌎 ✨️
When I find myself bothered by things that have happened in my life I have tried not to think or dwell. One of the best stories my friend told me is that when he went hitch hiking across America (yah know back when you could do fun stuff like that) his friend would come across something he didn’t want to think about and put his hand up and pull the chain like flushing a toilet – like the toilets over in Europe. It is just that easy. 😁 And it is!
To put things in Perspective
Nightbirde’s beauty has touched my soul. It felt like I was up there on stage singing one of the many lyrics that I have written down and burned. Take time to listen to your friend’s and family they are a gift.
It is okay to feel sad, cry, and express your emotions.
I don’t have all the answers but I am still here to talk and listen and spread compassion like confetti on New Years Eve.
- Choose Happiness
For me it’s the little things – the wag of a dog’s tail – other people’s happiness. My brain looks at the smallest details and that is what makes me smile inside and out. I giggle to myself many times throughout the day. I am not searching for others to fulfill my life with joy. I create a world with in. It truly is so beautiful that I am amazed at the low threshold for the feeling of joy i have cultivated.
What is joy? Is joy always something to seek? I have seen a lot of others be on a constant search for this unattainable happiness. It is so unsettling for them that they often tell me they feel empty inside. There is nothing wrong with change and quests to improve your life but there comes a point where if you don’t do the work with in and just keep on looking else where – in others, in new acquired things, some day you will realize all the nick nack pattie wacks in the world can not fill your soul with what you truly need.
What inspires you? What gives you the drive and a fulfillment in life? What things in your life do you look forward to, and what makes you happy?
I will tell you one thing that has really brightened up my life is this little kitten! 🥰
Key found me. I was dog sitting for a friend and one of the pups started to wander behind the machine shed. I went around back to get the pup closer to the house and this little bit of a kitten walks up to me wet and covered in motor oil!!! We brought her in the house and gave her some food and 6 baths 😳. She was so exhausted… she is a very appreciative and loving little kitten and she has brought so much joy and love. Please watch the first part of our story in this short video 🥰 ⬇️
So even when the world is really heavy with confusion, bitterness and you feel isolated you don’t need a kitten to bring you joy. But as you can see a kitten sure can help.
So what do you do when things are not going so well? Since I am really sensitive to energy (Empathic) sometimes in certain situations I do get caught up and bogged down. Something that has helped me so much and I try to incorporate in my daily activities is The Six Heart Virtues.
Appreciation • Compassion • Humility
Forgiveness • Understanding • Valor
“What one can express through their heart is gold to the iron of the mind.” The gold, in this case, is the ability to express the six heart virtues in tandem, separately, or as an ensemble team to the various situations that life unveils. It is learning to modify your actions based on these six virtues and observing how they re-calibrate your value system, re-vitalize your energy and creativity, and re-coup your sense of balance and emotional poise.
In doing this, you not only apply your emotional energies for the purpose of creating and maintaining a coherent personal state, but you also create a coherent field around you; a field that touches and intersects with others through the principles of quantum entanglement, resonance, coherence, and non-locality. The energies of our emotional field are real and interconnected in a vast assemblage of intention and information that is near boundless in its embrace.
– Excerpt from Living From the Heart
What do I mean… incorporate these values in my life? When I am in any situation I can go to a virtue and bring that into my life almost like I am reaching in to my tool bag for tools. Forgiveness has been a huge one for me. The first time I truly understood to forgive myself I cried. This is not an outward process even though using these Virtues everyway possible helps. It’s a beautiful way for you to be able to do inner work. By feeling compassion for myself or others it brings me out of dense energy I don’t want to partake in. First step – (really) is being aware of your energy/feelings.
Let’s just say this, you can be happy in any situation. Having a tool bag and a kitten will help. Never let anyone bring you down – really the only downer is thinking that others can have that much power over you. No one will take my smile away but me. Good luck trying 😉
- Videos to watch/listen 😁
Here are some videos of music and inspiration that I really enjoy. ❤
- Life’s too good to be TRUE
I look at my life and smile. Through my eyes I have seen so much beauty that I have often wished somehow that I could of captured all that I saw because no one would possibly believe it. Words can not express… and I have found it hard to continue writing this blog. I have been very busy but that does not account for the fact that I have sat down a dozen or more times and started writing and then felt like – No I should hide… no one wants to hear this stuff anyway.
I have been shunned and told that I should feel ashamed. I am broken, there is something wrong with me. I should be on disability for the rest of my life because there is no way I can take care of myself in the real world. I asked my doctor why when I walked down hallways I had to use the wall as my crutch, my hair was falling out in clumps, and my hands shook so much it was hard to eat. He told me that I was fine and that this was normal… WHAT? I had been put on so many drugs that with in two months I gained almost sixty pounds!
In and out of the hospital I went. Losing my fiancee, friends, and family all at the same time. When I was younger I was treated like an equal. And then all my nightmares came true. Everything that I knew would NEVER happen to me came and hit me right in the face. The good news – I chose not to die, I wanted people to see. In my twenty-one years of experience I saw a world that was so beautiful that even though I would probably be tortured in it I would rather stay and share even with just one person I knew – that it doesn’t have to be through me talking or standing up in a big crowd. I know that by my existence I am helping the world just by the energy/love and happiness I create. I could go live off in the middle of nowhere… in a cave, and my thoughts and feelings would benefit this reality.
Through everything, I have still captured the grace and beauty of others. My experiences that many people would never want to have, I have helped a lot of beautiful people along the way… one of them being myself. I have died, been through stigmata, tied down, pried open, trapped in a box, strapped down, dislocated my shoulders just to sit up, had my shoulder broken by a nurse, lied to, been electrocuted, had uncontrollable seizures, multiple heart attacks, injected with drugs I was illergic to and forced to drink water to try to “dilute the reaction”, I have done everything I possibly could to try not to combust, and at one point even avoided having a brain aneurysm. Plus many other horrors of hidden hospital agendas.
Until we stop locking people up and saying that there is something wrong with THEM they are not “normal” they are nothing like me… Don’t you see… This is where the problem is. If I was in a society that listened to me instead of thrown me in a hole I wouldn’t of had to go through YEAR’S of my life…. YEAR’S!!! Being tortured. As I see it I am a sensitive being, more sensitive than most. I chose a path different from many others. I now live in my own small off – grid cabin. I build homes for a living and I am the CEO of my company that I helped to start with a partner. I have always loved life and even when I went through really rough times I stayed true to my heart.
Yes in times I will be extremely sensitive and it is wonderful that I now have my own space and a great support system. Not everyone is aware when they need to take extra time for themselves. I am so grateful that I have cultivated a life where I can focus on not only the needs to be well but working on my growth as a human being. I am not going to stay in a hole but just think about others who have been beat down by the system so much that a hole is all they got. There is hope through awareness.
- Forgiving Your-Self
“When you are young you have no idea how to deal with trauma. When you realize the need for forgiving yourself – for not understanding – that is when your healing begins”
Seek help when you can. Even if it’s just talking to a friend. You don’t need to suffer and go through everything alone. My label doesn’t define me. Don’t get stuck thinking you have to do it by yourself. You are not alone.
So where did it start? I am sorry Mom and Dad, but it started with the yelling back and forth. The confusion of cops coming to the house. Yeah everyone here is the dirty laundry. – It started where no one ever goes anymore… No one wants to talk about it, or remember or recall… I remember the first time I “stuffed” my feelings. I was 5 years old and was starting to feel like I needed to cry, but I wanted to be strong for my Mother. I had a big lump of sadness in my throat. It hurt so bad. But I did not cry. After that day it was hard for me to cry or express my emotions at all. Now a days – I long to cry. That part of me is partially – broken. I am trying to fix something that should of been addressed when I was a child. It is very hard to even squeak out one tear. But by denying/hiding “stuffing” all the shame, guilt, and sadness – You are just feeding the wrong wolf.
Below is a graph. Look at it carefully. The energies that you entertain actually shape your whole reality. Shame being the lowest on the vibrational scale… Not Surprised! Most people are not even aware of what they are doing to themselves on daily basis, because our society (I am sorry to say) is based on Judgement and Shame… Greed! When you keep a society in Fear… you keep the control.
Everyone has had some trauma in their life, there is no way you can live in this world and be trauma free. But when you have excess amounts of trauma, you need to process your trauma somehow, because otherwise you are living the majority of your life stuck in low dense energies. You can’t live a heart based life when you are stuck in the past or… future. Where is your Joy if you are sometimes on a daily reminder of your pass CRAP! Or worried about the next day…week… year… something that you have no control over… But wait you do. You are in control if you want to be. No one can make me think anything. Only I have the power to choose what energies and thoughts I entertain. And to tell you the honest truth even when I am at the worst points in my life… I laugh. I will be happy when ever I want to be happy. Thank you. And no one can take that from me…
Forgiveness is not stated on this chart, but in my book it is one of the biggest keys to life. Because it brings about PEACE. How can you truly forgive anyone else if you haven’t even forgiven yourself first? For instance I have been ashamed for most of my adult life because I was declared “Too Happy”—–>>>> WHAT? Don’t most people strive to be happy… ?
My fiance came home, I greeted him with open arms and a huge smile. He pointed at me and said “There’s something wrong with you!” Hmmm? My best friend sat down with me and told me to my face that – she was afraid of my smile. Hmmm? I am not going to explain my happiness to anyone… if you are going to JUDGE… walk the other way. Judgement is a gift. If someone doesn’t accept you with all their heart, then one day they won’t be there… And guess what. Good. Life has a way of shutting doors so that your growth and path will not be impeded. I have lost so many people who called me sister, best-friend, soul-mate, family. Because if I would of stayed with that soul-mate I would of been beaten to death… If I would of kept on being a best friend – used, stolen from, and lied to… I could go on, but you get the picture right?
Your – Intent. You are in control. Don’t ever let the Judgement of others cloud your mind. And if you are effected you can change it as easily as if you were to flick the TV to another channel. It is that easy. The above quote says it all. I choose on a daily basis to pump out happiness, love, and laughter. And those that truly know me see that and embrace the Joy.
Learn to forgive yourself. It is the best first step. Focus on being well to yourself because you are the one – that is beating yourself up in your head. Not the other person that did you wrong.
- Heal Trauma?
This past month I got an infection this made the levels of my medication go down to an un-theraputic point. It was hard for me to sleep. Songs started playing in my head like a broken records. It was a struggle to make it through to the next day.
I am from Upstate NY and when I was young I listened to a band called Section 8. Here is a sample of their music below…
Section 8 was my favorite band. But in recent years I have cast them aside. On July 3rd I went to work enjoying the day and all of a sudden a part of a section 8 song came into my head. Fighting hearing this song the night prior, I started to fight it again and then I just decided to give in. I just let go and one 8 second part played like a broken record for over 10 minutes. At first I start to freak out then about 15 minutes in I hear Darth Vader say “You don’t know the power of the Dark Side.” Instantaneously I see my brother James laughing like he was playing a joke on me.
You Prick! I think. And start to laugh too. This kind of blew me away because you really need the light and the dark-side.
Then a gift happened my brother Matt started to sing to me.
“Mom and Dad don’t fight at the table, I didn’t know whats wrong and what is right… just keep in mind that we are right here yeah… Oh it’s a scar that stays inside. Inside.”
Matt continued to sing to me till tears streamed down my face. I have never really been able to cry. Thanks Matt for that much needed release.
On the way home from work Matt and my brothers were with me. James smiling about how Darth Vader kicks ass. And Matt singing my favorite song he wrote… Some of the lyrics – Stuck in this Prison, Release me from this cage…. All bottled up with in… You fill me with Rage!
Jack do you believe this? Who cares if anyone does. I could not fight a broken record in my head so I end up enjoying it instead. That day I was able to change the broken record some of the time. It was like my brain was trying to help me through trauma.
For the rest of the day I felt overwhelmed with Love and appreciation. This was the song that kept repeating and I am thankful for that!
- Let you in…
Reid was my biggest fan when it came to my EEG brainwave research I had done as an undergrad. To give you some context some of my friends and I took some time to do research that any Graduate would of been begging to do.
Our research only consisted of 4 people. It was a blind study. A volunteer was told that we wanted to see the difference of their brains when meditating and not meditating. So the volunteer would sit 10 mins meditating and 10 mins not meditating. During that time one of the researchers would time 2 minute intervals and hold up cards that would say – Happy thoughts, Angry thoughts, Neutral thoughts, and No thoughts. So depending on the card the 2 researchers that were sitting only a couple of feet from the volunteer would think thoughts that the card told them to think.
The study showed that thoughts from the experimenters actually had an effect on the Volunteers Brain! (If you would like a full report on what we actually found please ask)
So getting back to the story… When I got the chance to head out to Portland Oregon to check out a naturopathic collge I really wanted to attend. At the tail end of my trip Reid insisted on going out for drinks. When I jumped into his car he was listening to a CD. I remarked “Is this Bill Hicks?” He looked at me like he had just struck gold.
The night proceeded with laughter filled moments, and him confiding in me telling me about some of his life struggles. My heart wanted/wished to tell him about my plight but since I had been judged so harshly before I decided just to hear his story. When we parted that night I remember him remarking how much he loved Bill Hicks and that he would give up 2 years of his life to bring Bill back. 2 months later Reid died. I was devastated. For days I went to school destroyed and numb. During a class break when we all were meditating, all of a sudden it felt like someone came up behind me and gave me a huge energetic bear hug… with a message – I am fine Lynn it’s okay.
Reid you helped me find more balance then anyone ever could. Reid you are loved.
I poured all my knowledge into the following video for you Reid. Thank you for giving me the courage to do so.
- Spotlight on the Situation
Let’s coin the term “Mental Wellness”
I had a choice when I was 21. I could die, or stay here live and potentially show others the beauty I have seen. I chose to live. It has not been easy. I have been labeled bipolar and have been forced to take medications that have messed up my thyroid gland (the gland that regulates all of your hormones). I take a medicine for my thyroid as well.
Now am I even sure that I have bipolar??? I am not sure. But I do know that my chemicals in my brain have been altered by multiple stays in hospitals. So now since my thyroid is conditionally hurt because of taking Lithium for an extended period of time. I have to make sure that I am regulated by drugs.
This past July – 2020, I got a Urinary Track Infection (UTI). I was going to the bathroom so much that it depleted my medication to an un-therapeutic level. I had my period at the time (which that alone – can also mess with your medications) so I didn’t figure out what was happening till it was too late.
I was taken to a crisis center (one of the most beautiful hospitals I have ever seen). My room over looked a pond, and there was a beautiful garden area, with a bridge that you could walk around and see all the bees and birds. In just a short amount of time in this controlled environment, I talked a lot to the other patients that were there, I also talked to a couple of psychiatrists that made me feel like I was talking a real human being, instead of a wall. Doctors in my past have made me feel sub-human…. With in a matter of 10 days I healed about 20 years of trauma.
Piece of Cake Right?
Mental health is not talked about for a number of reasons. But I want to make one thing clear. I go to the hospital to get well. There is a lot Stigma, Stereotypes, and no one wants to say what actually goes on inside a mental health unit. Well I will tell you. Times in the past where I was detained by the police. I am handcuffed and then when I get to the hospital I am strapped down to a bed. And they don’t care if you have a hooded sweatshirt on in 80 degree weather. This is only for my safety and to slow me down.
This is all for safety but while going through “crisis” it can be extra hard on that person because of how they are treated by professionals. Imagine feeling like you are just about on the brink of death and then someone makes you run a marathon, it doesn’t work too well. Restrictions are hard. How you are handcuffed – it usually is not an easy experience. Sometimes you can have communication with the person handcuffing you but most the time they are put on so hard that your wrists bleed. Not being able to have water for hours, while being imprisoned in a hot car, dehydrated, just to end up being given a drug cocktail that you are most likely allergic to and feeling like all your rights have been taken from you because you are strapped down or handcuffed to a bed. Sometimes you can’t pee unless someone is staring at you the whole time. It’s one thing to have to deal with all these extra restrictions on a normal day but when you are so sensitive that you feel like you are going to have a heart attack… those are the last things you should have to deal with.
This past time (July, 2020) I was offered medication that I claim to be allergic to. But if I only have a micro-dose I could be okay. Then they inject you with chemicals that will knock you out so they can transport you safely to your destination. I have also been transported with out the meds that knock you out.
I think that I have been misdiagnosed. I think that I have had PTSD since I was 4 years old. Some day I will have to share with you how I was declared bipolar in the first place – it was not from a doctor it was from my ex-fiancee. (Let’s not open up that can of worms.)
Recap. I had an infection. I was brought to a hospital where they monitored and treated the infection. Why should I be ashamed and not tell anyone what a struggle it was to be able to sleep at night. I would take 5 minute naps here and there and max sleep 2 hours (even with meds to assist sleep). I have met some hearts of gold while in different medical facilities. But most hospitals will not let you keep in touch with the beautiful people you meet and they won’t even let you send a letter to the hospital to thank them for giving you your life back… If I could coin a term it would be that I go to the hospital for my “Mental Wellness” I am not ashamed any more.
I have been through a lot, and have lost a lot of friends. Because I was honest with them and told them I was declared bipolar. How many people do you see everyday that try to escape this reality. What if there were places you could go and actually talk about anything you needed to talk about. That is what I want to cultivate.
Talk therapy I feel is one of the best things to help you heal. Even if it is you writing down your thoughts in a journal. If you need someone to talk to click the link below there you can find someone to talk things over with. Do it for you.
Click on the picture below to connect you with people to talk to and multiple support networks:
I want to expand more in depth of the situations I have been in. To start I am opening up to the world via blogging. We can find some peace and solace by talking about what it means to be “Mentally Well”. Just by sharing my story here, I have already begun to heal. It is my hope that by talking and sharing with you my stories and yours we don’t have to hide or be ashamed. Put a spotlight on your health! Lets heal and share more of an understanding of what we have to deal with sometimes on a daily basis.
Please share about your strengths and struggles. What has been your driving force? How do you stay “Mentally Well”? Lets talk 💕 Please comment below so we all can benefit.
- Break the Cycle
When I was 4 years old. I went to the movies for the first time in my life. It was the greatest gift ever given to me.
A movie literally saved my life. With one song. Here it is.
Without this courage and beauty I saw through the eyes of someone else, I would not have made it past 21.
“My life has been a series of nightmares and when I try to explain it to anyone else they look at me like I am bacteria that needs to be destroyed”
Life does not need to be this hard.
During my 4 year old experience my parents were going through a divorce. My Dad asked me if I wanted to go to my grandparents house for a visit. Of course I got excited my grandparents were the best! As I went out to get onto the car with my father my mother came home and pulled her car in front of us blocking our path. My body did not understand when they started to fight. Nervous uncontrollable butterflies churned in my stomach. I was so nervous and did not know what to do I ran inside and puked.
Anytime from that moment on when ever I was happy I would get so nervous about my happiness I would have this uncontrollable reaction so bad that I would have to vomit. Once I puked, then I could go have fun.
I would go over to my best friends birthday party with present in hand, big smile on my face and after we knocked at the front door, with my excitement came the nervous uncontrollable butterflies. She opened the door to me puking on her porch. Yuck. Happy Birthday Hannah let’s go play… Lol
My father gave me the best advice I ever received when I was 9 years old. He pulled me aside and said.
“Lynn. You take care of Lynn.”
He then looked me in the eyes and said again “Lynn – You take care of Lynn.”
I gave myself a pretty good piece of advice that year too. I was about to go have some fun with friends I felt the nervous butteflies start to churn. I went into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror and said:
“Mind over Matter“
With actually comprehending this one statement I was cured from the nervous butterfly feeling. I thought it had worked but in my 20s it came back. The nerves only happened a couple of times but it made me curious why my “cure all” for a statement seemed to vanish just when my whole life was starting to fall into place.
BEYONCE said it best…
This is where it gets tricky…
Here is a poem to help you see.
You don’t have to see. I do. If I don’t see my obstacles won’t I bump into them? You can say watch out all you want if my perception is distracted from the path before me I will fall.
Hey when I fall don’t kick me when I am down, matter of fact let me strengthen my muscles to stand. If I ignore your hand it is because I needed to do so.
Your life is to be lived by you, your path… and I could bring up Pocahontas for this one but I think you got the idea.
Once you try to control the outcome of anyone, yourself included. Life will ask you a question. Do you really want this??? Your heart does not lie. Your brain might trick you into thinking, it does – just like when your stomach pulls a fast one on you and one cheesy puff bag later you say I ate that whole thing?
So now we have a base. Energy doesn’t lie to me… Really? But it’s science I have Proof!!!
Understanding Energy is a beautiful concept 💡
Let me hear what you think. Lets have a discussion please comment below.
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