I have tried to block memories of my really good friend Ajh. Every time someone walks by looking really nice, with a hat on I look twice because that was Ajh. Style was not the only thing that brings Ajh back to me. Pain does. How much she must of hurt. How much I hurt. How much her family hurts. The mind can’t comprehend the amount of pain that has been felt by all.
Ajh gave me many things not only awesome clothes, good company, and the fondness for fairies and mermen. She gave me this beautiful book. I was saving it for only special things.
Little did I know how much this book would help me for only a couple of pages got to be importantly special. The rest of the book I used to cope with being in the hospital. Having a place to put down thoughts in a hospital is rare because they not only don’t give you shoes (sometimes) sometimes you can’t have a pen.
Being able to organize thoughts on paper has hurt me many times. Sometimes it’s to get from A to B. Other times so much realness comes out scars rip.
This special book I have thought of getting rid of it. Burning it. I put it away. That wound never healed, it is still an open wound.
In the past 30 years or so, I have written so many books. Most of them have not made it. Whether I ripped them up, threw them out in the rain, burned them or my landlord or friends threw them “out” for me. Here are some that made it.
I have stuffed my tears, my thoughts, and feelings for most of my life. Writing was the best thing for me. I find it funny that people think it is weird to talk to yourself but what are you doing when you are writing, thinking, feeling…? Don’t lie. Don’t hide. If you have to talk about something do so. If I write what I think down on a sheet of paper I can just go to bed and not think anymore.
I am going to try to think more about my friend Ajh. All the laughter and creativity. That book needs to be put to good use. To tell you the truth I stopped writing a while ago. But I just wrote this blog in a blank spot of the (interesting things only :)) book she gave me. I am glad I have this blog. I will try to focus more on regularly writing. You can hurt just don’t stuff it. It is time to talk and feel no matter how you do it – you should.
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