I have looked back through my blog posts and it is clear that there is a theme of being misunderstood. It is easy to get lost in the different clarifications and definitions of what society labels you as. But am I really that? I devoted a whole website to explaining the definitions that society has placed upon me and I don’t feel like I’m “that” at all. Never have. I have felt pointed at given a new name and then just shunned. A lot of people are in these shoes. Blaahhh blaahhh blaaa you heard it all before…

So getting back to the question:

Who am I?

I was the person who thanks the nurse for holding me down in an arm bar and by not acknowledging my pleas of being hurt… cranks down on my arm even more till he hears my shoulder pop. Sitting next to him the next day – I say “Yeah thanks for doing that.” – actually sincerely to him. That did not help me. What was I thinking? I have permanent damage in my upper body because of that incident.

I talk about these things like they define me. They don’t. I choose to share them here in hope that others might benefit. Maybe even talk to someone who really needs a hug and some much needed rest, instead of be hauled away by the police.

Pharmaceuticals aged me at least 30 years.

But pharmaceuticals and what happened “behind closed doors” is not who I am…

I have shown you a sliver of some traumatic things that happened to me.

Who am I this present day? I am actually doing really well. Society has told me that I am worthless and that I should be on disability. BUT… I am a proud owner of 2 companies. With the help of my business partner we build houses and even publish books! I love my jobs. I live on a farm and go on walks around the property with my little kitten. Sometimes when I look at the sky, time freezes and it feels like heaven.

I started reading this book today and one of the first things it mentions is being in the present. Boy what a joy it is when you are fully present. I usually am in the moment. Some days moments can be overwhelming. Out in public repetitive noise or random music can be too much for me. That is when I choose to dive deeper into myself or just put on headphones to hear something that brings pleasure instead of annoyance. Not sure if others even notice some of the things that I just can’t tolerate. It just feels like someone is taking a huge cheese grater to my physiology…

Then when I go home my little kitten runs outside and says MOM come outside let’s go for a walk! I have only known this little being for about a year and a half but talk about bringing you right into the present.

So am I what happened to me? Am I worth my business’s or job/assets? Nope. Anything can happen with in a flash – it’s all gone. That has happened to me before and at first I thought I was ruined. Memories can hurt but they don’t have to hold you down. Life is like monopoly you have to play the game sometimes. But don’t ever play against my brother Matt because he will kill you with all those hotels… every time.

So you still haven’t figured out Who I am? Maybe I will have to write an even better blog next time. I think that it is good for me to write and thank you for taking the time to check it out. Hope you enjoyed the day as much as I have. If not adopt an animal like my little kitten Key. ❤️

I look at my life and smile. Through my eyes I have seen so much beauty that I have often wished somehow that I could of captured all that I saw because no one would possibly believe it. Words can not express… and I have found it hard to continue writing this blog. I have been very busy but that does not account for the fact that I have sat down a dozen or more times and started writing and then felt like – No I should hide… no one wants to hear this stuff anyway.

I have been shunned and told that I should feel ashamed. I am broken, there is something wrong with me. I should be on disability for the rest of my life because there is no way I can take care of myself in the real world. I asked my doctor why when I walked down hallways I had to use the wall as my crutch, my hair was falling out in clumps, and my hands shook so much it was hard to eat. He told me that I was fine and that this was normal… WHAT? I had been put on so many drugs that with in two months I gained almost sixty pounds!

In and out of the hospital I went. Losing my fiancee, friends, and family all at the same time. When I was younger I was treated like an equal. And then all my nightmares came true. Everything that I knew would NEVER happen to me came and hit me right in the face. The good news – I chose not to die, I wanted people to see. In my twenty-one years of experience I saw a world that was so beautiful that even though I would probably be tortured in it I would rather stay and share even with just one person I knew – that it doesn’t have to be through me talking or standing up in a big crowd. I know that by my existence I am helping the world just by the energy/love and happiness I create. I could go live off in the middle of nowhere… in a cave, and my thoughts and feelings would benefit this reality.

Through everything, I have still captured the grace and beauty of others. My experiences that many people would never want to have, I have helped a lot of beautiful people along the way… one of them being myself. I have died, been through stigmata, tied down, pried open, trapped in a box, strapped down, dislocated my shoulders just to sit up, had my shoulder broken by a nurse, lied to, been electrocuted, had uncontrollable seizures, multiple heart attacks, injected with drugs I was illergic to and forced to drink water to try to “dilute the reaction”, I have done everything I possibly could to try not to combust, and at one point even avoided having a brain aneurysm. Plus many other horrors of hidden hospital agendas.

Until we stop locking people up and saying that there is something wrong with THEM they are not “normal” they are nothing like me… Don’t you see… This is where the problem is. If I was in a society that listened to me instead of thrown me in a hole I wouldn’t of had to go through YEAR’S of my life…. YEAR’S!!! Being tortured. As I see it I am a sensitive being, more sensitive than most. I chose a path different from many others. I now live in my own small off – grid cabin. I build homes for a living and I am the CEO of my company that I helped to start with a partner. I have always loved life and even when I went through really rough times I stayed true to my heart.

Yes in times I will be extremely sensitive and it is wonderful that I now have my own space and a great support system. Not everyone is aware when they need to take extra time for themselves. I am so grateful that I have cultivated a life where I can focus on not only the needs to be well but working on my growth as a human being. I am not going to stay in a hole but just think about others who have been beat down by the system so much that a hole is all they got. There is hope through awareness.

This past month I got an infection this made the levels of my medication go down to an un-theraputic point. It was hard for me to sleep. Songs started playing in my head like a broken records. It was a struggle to make it through to the next day.

I am from Upstate NY and when I was young I listened to a band called Section 8. Here is a sample of their music below…

Section 8 was my favorite band. But in recent years I have cast them aside. On July 3rd I went to work enjoying the day and all of a sudden a part of a section 8 song came into my head. Fighting hearing this song the night prior, I started to fight it again and then I just decided to give in. I just let go and one 8 second part played like a broken record for over 10 minutes. At first I start to freak out then about 15 minutes in I hear Darth Vader say “You don’t know the power of the Dark Side.” Instantaneously I see my brother James laughing like he was playing a joke on me.

You Prick! I think. And start to laugh too. This kind of blew me away because you really need the light and the dark-side.

Then a gift happened my brother Matt started to sing to me.

“Mom and Dad don’t fight at the table, I didn’t know whats wrong and what is right… just keep in mind that we are right here yeah… Oh it’s a scar that stays inside. Inside.”

Matt continued to sing to me till tears streamed down my face. I have never really been able to cry. Thanks Matt for that much needed release.

On the way home from work Matt and my brothers were with me. James smiling about how Darth Vader kicks ass. And Matt singing my favorite song he wrote… Some of the lyrics – Stuck in this Prison, Release me from this cage…. All bottled up with in… You fill me with Rage!

Jack do you believe this? Who cares if anyone does. I could not fight a broken record in my head so I end up enjoying it instead. That day I was able to change the broken record some of the time. It was like my brain was trying to help me through trauma.

For the rest of the day I felt overwhelmed with Love and appreciation. This was the song that kept repeating and I am thankful for that!

Reid was my biggest fan when it came to my EEG brainwave research I had done as an undergrad. To give you some context some of my friends and I took some time to do research that any Graduate would of been begging to do.

Our research only consisted of 4 people. It was a blind study. A volunteer was told that we wanted to see the difference of their brains when meditating and not meditating. So the volunteer would sit 10 mins meditating and 10 mins not meditating. During that time one of the researchers would time 2 minute intervals and hold up cards that would say – Happy thoughts, Angry thoughts, Neutral thoughts, and No thoughts. So depending on the card the 2 researchers that were sitting only a couple of feet from the volunteer would think thoughts that the card told them to think.

The study showed that thoughts from the experimenters actually had an effect on the Volunteers Brain! (If you would like a full report on what we actually found please ask)

So getting back to the story… When I got the chance to head out to Portland Oregon to check out a naturopathic collge I really wanted to attend. At the tail end of my trip Reid insisted on going out for drinks. When I jumped into his car he was listening to a CD. I remarked “Is this Bill Hicks?” He looked at me like he had just struck gold.

The night proceeded with laughter filled moments, and him confiding in me telling me about some of his life struggles. My heart wanted/wished to tell him about my plight but since I had been judged so harshly before I decided just to hear his story. When we parted that night I remember him remarking how much he loved Bill Hicks and that he would give up 2 years of his life to bring Bill back. 2 months later Reid died. I was devastated. For days I went to school destroyed and numb. During a class break when we all were meditating, all of a sudden it felt like someone came up behind me and gave me a huge energetic bear hug… with a message – I am fine Lynn it’s okay.

Reid you helped me find more balance then anyone ever could. Reid you are loved.

I poured all my knowledge into the following video for you Reid. Thank you for giving me the courage to do so.